Breaking Dawn A few years later
by smileyface'x
Summary: What happened when the volturi left? Did Renesmee and Jacob get together? Intended to be funny. A little OCC.
1. TheCullens&TheBlacks

**[A/N: this is my first try at this so cut me some slack. Let me know whether i should continue. I went a little OOC. Intended to be funny.]**

_Edward, Jasper and Emmett are sitting in the living room._

Emmett: Hmmm...i wonder where my bitch is.  
Edward: *raises an eyebrow*  
Emmett: I'm gonna go find Rosalie. Bye Edwardo! *runs off*  
Edward: *sighs* i wish he wouldn't call me that.  
Jasper: Aw but it's cute! *hugs him*  
Edward: ... ew. *moves to the other side of the sofa*  
Jasper: You know you love my hugs Edward. i can feel the emotion flowing from you.  
Edward: sure you aren't feeling the wrong emotion?  
Jasper: well what other emotion could there be?  
Edward: never mind.

Emmett comes downstairs looking happy.  
Emmett: Another one sucks my dick. *sings to 'Another one bites the dust' tune*  
Edward: What...the...fuck?  
Jasper: well someones horny. okay, can you please stop cos you're passing your horneyness onto me. it's contagious.  
Emmett: ROSALIE SUCKED MY DICK! HA! *runs out the door*  
Edward: i really didn't want to know.  
Jasper: Phew! least my boner's gone.  
Edward: *moves further away*  
Jasper: It's not my fault! it's the emotions okay?  
Edward: Don't blame others emotions for your mistakes.  
Jasper: *crosses arms and pouts*

_Carlisle enters._

Carlisle: OMG, BOYS! Jasper: Woah, tension.  
Carlisle: I'm getting old.  
Edward: Da-  
Carlisle: I can already feel the wrinkles! -holds face-  
Edward: Ermm..dad-  
Carlisle: I wonder what i'll look like as an old person.  
Edward: that's not even possible.  
Carlisle: OMG, WHERE DID MY YOUTH GO?!  
Jasper: along with your humanity i guess.  
Carlisle: I'm dying already, every second i get closer.  
Edward: Hey! Was you spying on me and Bella at prom!  
Carlisle: Carlizzle out! *runs out the room*

_Jasper laughs and Edward silences him with a glare._

Jasper: Where's your sense of humour edward?  
Bella: *walks in the room* Edward, where's renesmee?  
Edward: i dont know. Maybe she's playing fetch with the dog.  
Bella: *confused* what dog?  
Edward: We call him Jacob.  
Bella: Hey! he's my friend don't be mean.  
Edward: bella, he stinks.  
Bella: maybe he does, but that's a bad reason to hate someone.  
Edward: hate is a strong word.  
Bella: how strong? can it beat emmett at arm wrestling like i can?  
Emmett: I WAS HAVING A BAD DAY!  
Bella: sure.  
Edward: i'll listen out for her thoughts.  
Bella: Okay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ -At La Push Beach-_

Renesmee: You do realise i will get in trouble for sneaking off with you?  
Jacob: *shrugs* if it wasn't for your parents i'd kidnap you.  
Renesmee: Huh? Murderer!  
Jacob: not in that sense Nessie. -slaps forehead-  
Renesmee: In what sense can kidnapping be good?  
Jacob: So you'd be with me forever.  
Renesmee: i like the sound of that!  
Jacob: Maybe if you hurry up and get old we can do that.  
Renesmee: Erm..if you haven't noticed im 16.  
Jacob: Oh yeah...they grow up so fast. *wipes tears from his eyes*  
Renesmee: *rolls eyes*  
Jacob: Hey missy! your eyeballs will fall out if you keep doing that.  
Renesmee: You know you sound just like my mum.  
Jacob: Aah bella, i remember when i was in love with her.  
Renesmee: What?  
Jacob: Nothing.  
Renesmee: Ok.

Jacob's phone rings.  
Jacob: Hello?  
Bella: Where is my daughter?  
Jacob: With me. Why?  
Bella: She needs to come home. i have something to give her.  
Jacob: Which is?  
Bella: When she gets home you'll find out.

**[A/N: so there it is. Review please, and let me know whether to continue.]**


	2. Birds&TheBees

**[A/N: Okay, so people asked me to write some more. Most of this chapter is to do with Jacob and Renesmee. Again OCC and let me know if you would like some more. Here is a reminder of the last chapter.]**

_Jacob's phone rings.  
Jacob: Hello?  
Bella: Where is my daughter?  
Jacob: With me. Why?  
Bella: She needs to come home. i have something to give her.  
Jacob: Which is?  
Bella: When she gets home you'll find out._

**Jacob hangs up the phone.**

Renesmee: Who was that?  
Jacob: Your mother.  
Renesmee: *sighs* do we have to go back now?  
Jacob: Yes, before your dad puts a muzzle on me.  
Renesmee: *confused* Why does my dad always use dog references around you?  
Jacob: You'll find out when you're older.  
Renesmee: I AM older.  
Jacob: When your older older.  
Renesmee: Well, that shouldn't be too long then.  
Jacob: *sighs* Don't wish your life away.  
Renesmee: I'm not. It's how i grow, i can't control it.  
Jacob: Aah, the dreaded age spurt.  
Renesmee: Age spurt?  
Jacob: It's like a growth spurt but with age.  
Renesmee: Oookay.

**At the Cullens household.**

Edward: *pacing* Where is that mutt?  
Bella: Edward, stop calling Jacob that.  
Edward: Hold on... i hear thoughts.  
Bella: About time.

**Edward and Bella walk out to greet Jacob and Renesmee.**

Renesmee: Mooooom, we're here.  
Emmett: *runs out the house* THE COWS ARE ATTACKING!  
Bella: What the...  
Emmett: *stops running* Oh, it was only Renesmee. Sorry. *walks back inside*  
Edward: *rolls eyes* Your mother wants to give you something Renesmee, and give you a talk. It's very important considering your position.  
Renesmee: Position? *confused*  
Edward: Your mother will explain. Follow her inside, i need to have a chat with Jacob.  
Renesmee: Okay dad!

**Bella and Renesmee run inside whilst Edward and Jacob stay outside.**

Jacob: Okay, so where's this heading?  
Edward: You understand Renesmee's my daughter right? Well she has needs.  
Jacob: I'm sure i can satify those needs. *winks*  
Edward: Not them kind of needs! Stop thinking those thoughts! *wacks him over the head*  
Jacob: So-rry. Even my brain is invaded of it's own privacy.  
Edward: *rolls eyes* She does drink blood, you know?  
Jacob: Sooo...  
Edward: She might like doggy blood.  
Jacob: *laughs*  
Edward: *confused* Why are you laughing?  
Jacob: I thought you were about to say she might like doggy style. *laughs*  
Edward: That might be your style with your 'La Push' buddies, but that's not how vampires roll. Actually they don't roll over at all, not like dogs do.  
Jacob: Stop with the dog references.  
Edward: No.  
Jacob: Shut up fairy. *sticks out tongue*  
Edward: Fairy? *confused*  
Jacob: Well you sparkle, and so do fairies. Ooh i know! The sparkles are your fairy dust!  
Edward: *rolls eyes* Bye Jacob!  
Jacob: I'm waiting for Renesmee.  
Edward: I don't think so.  
Jacob: Whhhyyy? *pouts*  
Edward: She needs her sleep.  
Jacob: *yawns* Me too. I'll be back in the morning.  
Edward: *mumbles* Unfortunately.  
Jacob: What?  
Edward: Nothing.  
Jacob: Okay.

**Renesmee and Bella are sitting in Renesmee's room. Bella is looking nervous, holding something in her hand.**

Renesmee: Okay mum, what is it?  
Bella: Well...erm...Don't be mad.  
Renesmee: I won't.  
Bella: Well, I've noticed you and Jacob are getting serious now so i want to give you this.

**Bella hands her the object clenched in her hand and places it in Renesmee's palm. Renesmee picked up the small package and examined it. She then blushed and put it beside her.**

Renesmee: Mum.  
Bella: Yes?  
Renesmee: You do realise how embarrassing it is for your mom to give you a condom?  
Bella: i don't actually.  
Renesmee: What does dad say about this?  
Bella: Oh he doesn't know. He can't read me. *points to brain*  
Renesmee: So this is supposed to be one of those Birds and the bees talk?  
Bella: Yes. Oh Renesmee, you have to tell me all the details.  
Renesmee: What!  
Bella: Tomorrow, is the day!  
Renesmee: What? Noo. I'm not ready.  
Bella: Oh come on honey, it feels great...  
Renesmee: NOO! *runs out of the room screaming 'I WANT MY VIRGINITY'*

**[A/N: Okay, so this story is pretty random. If you would like to see any of your ideas incorporated into this story or would like to see a character be the "star" of a chapter let me know. Obvs if you give any ideas you will be given credit for it. Review Please.]**


	3. NessieKnowsAll

**[A/N: Review please, otherwise I may just stop writing.**

**Reminder: Bella gives Renesmee 'the talk' and gets given a little present. Edward and Jacob had a little talk.]**

_The Next Morning.  
Jacob knocks on The Cullens door, and Alice answers._

Alice: Hey Jake, come in.  
Jake: Hey, where's Nessie.  
Alice: She'll be down in a second. Where are you two heading today?  
Jake: *shrugs* the usual.  
Alice: Does she know your secret yet? Jake: i don't think so. I might tell her today.  
Alice: Well, good luck!  
Jake: Thanks...

_Renesmee runs down the stairs, and pulls Jacob out of the door, not giving anyone a chance to speak. They climb into Jacob's car and he drives off._

Jake: Are you going to explain that?  
Renesmee: Mum.  
Jake: Oh. What happened?  
Renesmee: she gave me 'the talk'. she also gave me this. *holds up condom*  
Jake: Sweet! *takes it out of her hand*

_Renesmee raises her eyebrow at him, and he immediately drops it._

Jacob: *mumbles* sorry.  
Renesmee: It's okay, i forgive you. *hugs him*  
Jacob: I was thinking that we could hang out with the rest of the La Push crew today.  
Renesmee: Okay. I haven't seen Seth in a while.

_-At La Push-_  
Seth: Hey, there's my home girl Nessie! Renesmee: *laughs* Hey Seth.  
Jacob: Seth, where's the others?  
Seth: They're taking a walk. *winks at Jacob*  
Jacob: *nods* Renesmee: Have you found your soulmate yet Seth?  
Seth: Nah, i'm not the type that goes for children.  
Jacob: Shut up Seth. *slaps him on the shoulder*  
Seth: *grins*  
Renesmee: Children?*confused*  
Seth: Dude, you haven't told her yet? Oh my...this is going to be good!  
Jacob: C'mon Ness, let's go to the beach.

_-Beach-_  
Jacob: I have to tell you something.  
Renesmee: Go ahead.  
Jacob: I'm a .  
Renesmee: Murderer?  
Jacob: No.  
Renesmee: Rapist?  
Jacob: No!  
Renesmee: Paedophile?  
Jacob: NO!  
Seth: I disagree.  
Jacob: GO AWAY SETH!  
Seth: So-rry. I thought it was a free country. *walks away*  
Jacob: I'm a werewolf.

_Renesmee's silence for a few moments. Jacob is studying her face. After a minute or two, Renesmee looks up at Jacob and bursts out laughing._

Jacob: What's so funny?  
Renesmee: A...Werewolf...HA! *still laughing*  
Jacob: You don't believe me?  
Renesmee: Nope. *smiles*  
Jacob: Fine I'll prove it. *takes off shirt*  
Renesmee: Woah, how is this proving it to me? Although it is a nice view.  
Jacob: Otherwise my clothes will rip.  
Renesmee: Woah, fiesty. Someone like's it rough. *winks*  
Jacob: I expect Seth to say something like that, not you Nessie.  
Renesmee: *giggles*

_Jacob walks into the woods. A few seconds later he appears in wolf form. He walks up to Renesmee and lays by her._

Renesmee: *stroking him* Aww, your so soft. Jacob: *howls*  
Renesmee: Ohhh, now i get those doggie references!

**[A/N: Okay, this is a bad chapter. I had a bit of writer's block and felt extemely tired. I'm sorry if it's not that funny, but i tried. Review, otherwise no more story. Thanks to all those reviewing especially edwardcullenlover01. Thankyou!]**


	4. Doggie Tomato?

**[A/N: Thanks for all the reviews. :D]**

_Jacob turns back into a human. Jacob and Renesmee are laying on the beach._

Renesmee: How long have you been a ...werewolf? *giggles*  
Jacob: Before you were born. *grins*  
Renesmee: Wow. I used to ride a werewolf when i was younger, but mom said it ran away.  
Jacob: Want me to tell you a secret?  
Renesmee: Go ahead.  
Jacob: I was that wolf. *grins*  
Renesmee: *gasps* Can i ride you again? Pretty pleaaase! *puppydog eyes*  
Jacob: fine.

_Jacob turns into a wolf and Renesmee jumps onto his back. He rode around the forest for a while when he came to a meadow. He was walking through the trees when he heard Bella and Edward._

Bella: It's been a long time since we've come to this meadow.  
Edward: yeah. i've missed it.  
Bella: Do you remember the first time we came here? I thought you were going to eat me and you threw that pathetic branch? That's nothing compared to breaking rocks man. *teases*  
Edward: *laughs* Bella: hmm..are you thinking what i'm thinking? *winks*  
Edward: Well, i don't know what you're thinking so i guess that's a no. Bella: I wonder, what it's like to make love in a meadow.

_Jacob ran in the opposite direction back to La Push, feeling sick. He lay Renesmee on a big rock while he changed back. He only had shorts on as he had ran out of clothing._

Renesmee: *staring*  
Jacob: Stop, you're making me feel self-conscious. *girly voice*  
Renesmee: Ssshh...your ruining the moment of your gorgeousness.  
Jacob: *rolls eyes* So...do you wanna know about this wolf stuff?  
Renesmee: Uh..erm... Jacob: *clicks fingers* Pay Attention!  
Renesmee: first you sound like my mom, now my teacher. i'm worried about you Jacob.  
Jacob: Do you want me to tell you or not?  
Renesmee: Yes.

_Jacob tells Renesmee about all the wolf stuff._

Renesmee: So let me get this straight, my mom thought you ATE people?  
Jacob: well, not technically ate them.  
Renesmee: *laughs* So you imprinted me?  
Jacob: yeah. *blushes*  
Renesmee: Aww, your a doggie tomato. Jacob: Please don't call me a dog. Renesmee: Oh...i think its cute. *smiles*  
Jacob: Please explain to me how its cute.  
Renesmee: Dogs are cute, and so are you.  
Jacob: Okay, i'll give you that one. Renesmee: So who else has imprinted out of the *giggles* pack.  
Jacob: Sam, Quil, Embry and Paul.  
Renesmee: Are the Clearwaters a non-imprint family or something?  
Jacob: What do you mean?  
Renesmee: Well, neither of them have imprinted. OhMyGod, what if they become inbred?  
Jacob: What the.. Imbred? We are people not dogs.  
Renesmee: *shrugs* I'm gonna go ask them. Jacob: Oh dear.

_Renesmee goes find Leah and Seth, whilst Jacob follows shaking his head in disbelief._

Rensmee: There they are. *points*  
Jacob: Let me carry you. *picks her up*  
Renesmee: *giggles*

_A few moments later._  
Renesmee: Leah, Seth.  
Leah&Seth: Yes?  
Renesmee: I found out about all this imprinting stuff and i was wondering are you inbred?  
Seth&Leah: WHAT THE?  
Leah: That's sick! Why would we do that?  
Seth: Imbred? It's insest. Jacob: That's what i said!  
Renesmee: *shrugs* same difference.  
Seth: Huh?  
Jacob: Nevermind Seth.  
Renesmee: Well i guess you answered by question. Bye! *skips away*  
Jacob: Bye. *follows Renesmee*

Leah: What the hell was that about?  
Seth: No idea. *looks Leah up and down*  
Leah: What are you looking at?  
Seth: *wrinkles up his nose* I think i could definitely have better than you.  
Leah: What?! You were considering it!  
Seth: Don't be sick. Why would you want us to happen? I'm telling Mom! *runs off*  
Leah: Has everyone gone crazy?! *runs after seth*

**[A/N: Okay, i had writer's block. I was making random stuff up on the spot, lol. Wanna see more of someone in the story? Let me know. Review pleaseee, i love you muchly if you do. Oh and if i get five reviews i will write two chapters tomorrow. :D]**


	5. AN

**I only need one more review to continue.  
****Just thought i'd let you know. :)  
****thanks to those who have already reviewed.  
****hugs and kisses for you. :)**


	6. Vampire Aliens

**[A/N: Here are the two chapters i promised. :) Thankyou very much for the reviewss. I was a little hyper whilst writing this so it may be really OCC. Sorry.]**

Seth: MOOOOOOM!  
Sue: What's wrong hunny?  
Seth: *pretends to cry* Leah wants me to penetrate her.  
Leah: Mom, ignore everything he says!  
Seth: She wants to imprint me! You have to save me from the horrible he-she demon!  
Leah: Dude, im a girl.  
Seth: Sure...  
Sue: Okay, what have you taken Seth?  
Seth: NOTHING!  
Leah: he took weed again.  
Seth: No i didn't!  
Sue: Seth get up to your room NOW!  
Seth: But...  
Sue: NOW!

_Seth stomps up to his room, and gets out a bottle of vodka and a packet of weed out of his draw and starts to hug it.  
Meanwhile..._

Renesmee: Jacob, you need to push harder.  
Jacob: I'm trying.  
Renesmee: Well, its not good enough.  
Jacob: This damn puzzle piece will not fit! *chucks the puzzle out of the window*  
Emmett: HEY! IT'S RAINING PUZZLES!  
Renesmee: That was my favourite puzzle. *pouts*  
Jacob: The puzzle was evil. It would have eaten your brains. i needed to destroy it.  
Renesmee: Fair enough.  
Jacob: Are you mad at me?  
Renesmee: *grabs a puzzle piece and throws it out of the window* Fetch.

_In the Woods.  
_Alice: Jaaasper...  
Jasper: Sshh..  
Alice: why are you sshing me?  
Jasper: I am on the hunt for Aliens.  
Alice: In the woods?  
Jasper: What is with the questions? Are you apart of their team? Tell me it isn't so!  
Alice: It isn't so.  
Jasper: Oh goodie! *hugs Alice*  
Alice: Thanks for that.  
Jasper: Flashing lights! *runs off into the woods*  
Alice: *follows* Woah..this is creepy.  
_They go forward and hear beeping noises. They decide to wait behind a bush. The sound of beeping gets closer when Emmett appears with flashlights attached to his body and him walking amongst the forest saying "Beep Beep"._

Jasper: *jumps out of the bush* Emmett! You ruined my quest.  
Emmett: No i didn't! I'm a vampire alien.  
Alice: Erm...i don't think you are somehow.  
Jasper: He is! Can't you see his flashing lights?  
Emmett: Would you like to see my alien wife?  
Jasper: Sure.  
_Emmett goes back into the bush and hears some mumbling. He comes back pushing a wheelchair which Rosalie is duck-taped to, covered in green paint. Emmett ripped off the duck-tape from her mouth._

Alice: Oh my..  
Rosalie: EMMETTT!  
Emmett:*covers her mouth with ducktape* Everytime i take it off she screeches. I think she's broken. *taps her head* Yes it does sound pretty hollow.  
Jasper: She's very...green.  
Emmett: I know!  
Alice: This is stupid. I'm going back to the house.  
Jasper: Bye!

**[A/N: Review Please. I'll let you join Jasper on his Alien Quest. :) ]**


	7. Carlisle the Chicken

**[A/N: Review pleasee! I'll love you forever. Sorry, its OCC.]**

_At The Cullens House  
_ Carlisle: Emse, I'm home!  
Esme: Hello. How was it at the hospital today?  
Carlisle: The usual. Stick a needle in someone every now and again. Need to get rid of the fluids.  
Esme: Right... sounds exciting.  
Carlisle: Sure is.  
Esme: Kill anyone today?  
Carlisle: No.. which is rare for me. Esme: Well, good job no-one knows about the killing. If people knew you werent a qualified doctor we'd be in a lot of cow poo.  
Carlisle: Indeed. Well, i'm gonna go and see Edward.

Edward: Bella.  
Bella: Yes?  
Edward: If i asked you to have a threesome with me and Tanya what would you say?  
Carlisle: AH EDWARD! Just the person i needed to see!  
Edward: Oh erm.. okay. What for?  
Carlisle: I was thinking, if i dressed up as a chicken for Esme, would she find it sexy?  
Edward: Certainly.  
Carlisle: Awesome! I'll go and order the costume now! *runs out of room*  
Bella: Will Esme actually like that?  
Edward: Hell no, but it'd be funny to watch.  
Bella: *laughs*  
Edward: Carlisle!  
Carlisle: *runs into room holding mobile* yes?  
Edward: When will you be doing the chicken thing?  
Carlisle: Well, im picking up the costume soon so i guess in about ten minutes.  
Edward: Okay. You can go now.  
Carlisle: *runs out*  
Edward: *gets his phone out*  
Bella: What are you doing?  
Edward: Telling everyone to meet in the living room in ten minutes.  
Bella: Evil..but i like it.

_Ten Minutes Later  
Everyone arrives at the living room, wondering what's going on, including Esme._

Jacob: Why did you call us all here?  
Edward: You'll see.  
Alice: *giggling* This is going to be funny.  
Edward: No fair! You weren't supposed to see into the future. Cheat.  
Alice: *shrugs* Its gonna be funnier to watch though.

_Carlisle comes in wearing a bright yellow chicken which is full of feathers, and has a bright red beak. He walks over to Esme and sits on her lap._

Carlisle: *makes a chicken noise* Wanna ruffle my feathers baby?

_Esme looks mortified whilst the rest of the Cullens (including Jacob) are laughing._

Carlisle: Oh yeah, stroke my huge beak. It wants to peck you.

_Esme pushes Carlisle off and runs out of the room, with Carlisle flapping his wings following._


	8. Who Wants To Be A Fairy? Jacob Does!

**[A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I had exams and I've been busy. I mean I do have a social life. XD Also, I haven't had any reviews since my last updated so it hasn't given me much encouragement. This chapter is a little short. Sorry.]**

Alice: That was so much funnier in reality.  
Bella: I...can't...stop...laughing.  
Emmett: Oh my goonie, dont die! Let me give you mouth to mouth!  
Rosalie: You do, and you won't have a mouth left.  
Emmett: How is that even possible?  
Rosalie: I will make it happen.  
Edward: Erm...Rosalie.  
Rosalie: What?  
Edward: Why are you green?  
Jasper: She's an alien!  
Emmett: No, she's a vampire alien!  
Edward: Are you high or something?  
Emmett: Don't be silly Eddiekins, we can't get high. It's not part of our nature.  
Jasper: C'mon Emmett, lets get back to our alien hunt!  
Emmett: Okay! *gets a huge giant net and catches Rosalie in it and runs out of the house with Jasper*

Alice: What has the vampire world come to?  
Bella: *shrugs*  
Alice: I think the weirdness only happened when Bella joined. Bella's a freak!  
Bella: Well, I'm not the little pixie freak who sees in the future and is obsessed with shopping.  
Alice: *gasps* I am so offended. *dry crys* Now, time to take you shopping! *grabs Bella and runs out to the car*

_Renesmee has fallen asleep. All that's left is Edward and Jacob._  
Jacob: *coughs* Well.  
Edward: What do you want? Why are you still here?  
Jacob: *shrugs* Just felt comfortable.  
Edward: Your place is on the floor doggy.  
Jacob: *sighs* That does get old.  
Edward: *throws the newspaper at him* Bad dog!  
Jacob: What the hell?  
Edward: You so want to be me.  
Jacob: Why would I want to be a fairy?  
Edward: Better than being a dog. Woof woof.  
Jacob: Well, your the one making doggy noises so I assume you're the one who wants to be me.  
Edward: Why would i want to be you? You lost i won.  
Jacob: Won what?  
Edward: The prize.  
Jacob: *confused*  
Edward: The prize we have been fighting over for years.  
Jacob: ...  
Edward: Bella! Duh!  
Jacob: Pfft. As if you won.  
Edward: Well, who has her now?  
Jacob: Whatever. *walks up the stairs*  
Edward: *whispers* I won. muahhaaha.

_An hour later._  
Rensemee: YAY! *clapping loudly*  
Jacob: What the hell? what's going on?  
Renesmee: Look you sparkle now!  
Jacob: Huh?  
_Jacob looks down at his chest and is covered in glitter, which sparkles from the sunlight._

Renesmee: See! Daddy said you wanted to sparkle, so I made your dream come true! *giggles*  
Jacob: Darn fairy.

**[AN: Review please! i'll turn you into a sparkly vampire if you do. ;) ]**


	9. The New Volturi Rules Part1

**[A/N: Sorry it's short but I'm not really in the mood for writing. I thought I'd give you something seeing as I havent updated in a while.]**

_Jacob runs down the stairs to see Edward laughing_.

Jacob: I will get you back for this.  
Edward: Sure you will. What are you going to do? Do things wolf-pack style?  
Jacob: Well, it sure won't involve fairy dust.  
Edward: *yawns* Boring.  
Jacob: How is that possible?  
Edward: How is what possible?  
Jacob: You can't yawn. Its not allowed.  
Edward: Why not?  
Jacob: Because the Volturi said so.  
Edward: What? No they didn't.  
Emmett: Yes they did Edward. Didn't you get the new rules?  
Edward: Obviously not.  
Emmett: Well let me read them to you!  
Edward: Greaat.  
Emmett: Rule Number 1: No yawning. You are not a human, your a fairy vampire. Fairy Vampires do not yawn!  
Edward: Emmett, did you write these rules with Jacob?  
Emmett: *gasps* How dare you accuse me of that? So shocked.  
Jacob: Look what you did? You made him cry.  
Emmett: *grabs a bottle of water and pours it down his face*  
Edward: Well, that worked. *rolls eyes*  
Emmett: Maybe I used too much water.  
Edward: Yes, now get back to the rules.  
Emmett: Rule Number 2: Whenever you go out in the sun you have to wear a fairy outfit, inluding wand, and give your awesome sparkleness to the world!  
Edward: Stupid...  
Emmett: Ssssh! Don't say that. They're listening.  
Edward: Okay Emmett. Carry on.  
Emmett: Rule Number 3: No more eating animals. They're becoming instinct. Humans for the world!  
Edward: Okay, so we've broken all of the rules. And I'm not eating humans.  
Carlisle: Whyyyyyy?! I haven't tasted them in so long. I want it. I want it. I want it! *stamps foot*  
Edward: Are you done with your tantrum?  
Carlisle: Yes  
Emmett: Rule Number 4: Hetrosexual sex is no longer allowed. Gays and Lesbians for all!  
Edward: What the hell? Well, I might as well start running now.  
Emmett: Why?  
Edward: I am not turning gay.  
Renesmee: Dad, what's hetrosexual?  
Edward: *slaps forehead* You look like a sixteen year old but have a brain of a two year old.

**[A/N: I hope you enjoyed it. If I get two reviews i'll add the second part either today or tomorrow. Thanks.]**


	10. The New Volturi Rules Part2

**(A/N: Sorry! I haven't updated in ages, and this is really short. Hope you enjoy anyway.)**

Emmett: Rule 124: Never EVER refer to the volturi as evil gay bashers.  
Edward: This just gets stupider and stupider.  
Emmett: Rule 125: Never EVER refer to the volturi as 'stupider and stupider.  
Edward: *sighs* will this ever end?  
Jacob: Nope.  
Edward: Who asked you?  
Jacob: Well, you never specifically asked anyone, it was an open question.  
Emmett: HAHA! fairy got owned.  
Edward: Emmett..your a fairy.  
Emmett: Na-uh! I'm a rule reading alien.  
Edward: O-kay.  
Emmett: HUSH! *puts finger to Edward's lips* Let's proceed..

-Two hours later-  
Emmett: ...And the final rule, number 1587: You will have to forever obey the Volturi otherwise you will burn for all eternity, and for vampires is a deathly consequence.  
Edward: Being burned is a deathly consequence for anyone Emmett.  
Emmett: Are you disobeying the Volturi Rules?  
Edward: Well..yeah. Most of them actually.  
Jacob: Now do you understand why its so much better being a wolf than a fairy.  
Edward: Correction dog, its a shapeshifter. You sound so scary.  
Jacob: At least we don't have stupid rules.  
Edward: And imprinting with babies isn't a stupid rule?  
Jacob: Not everyone imprints with babies!  
Edward: *whispers* Paedophile.  
Jacob: Go get burned. *runs out of room*

**(A/N: Review please. I will try and update more often :)]**


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